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The Light's Gone Out...

Iím crazy, then,
Itís the only explanation
For why my once joyous pen
Now brings only decimation.
Through the years Iíve tempted fate
And flirted with disaster
But it seems that at this rate
My end is coming faster.
My regrets are piling higher
As my determination falters
The temptation of an end in fire
Equals that of on the altar.
Razors, pills, and rope
Tantalize my senses
As life extinguishes the hope
Of mending these old fences.


Posted at 8/15/2004 3:17:28 am by Myrth
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Burnt Up and Thrown Away...

Amazing, it's August already... He's been gone for a little less than a month, though of course his clothes are still in my closet... I suppose he's just too lazy to make the drive over here to get them... I still wonder about the whole thing... crazy excuses for stupid actions... such cowardice... still pisses me off... although I refuse to stoop to that level and burn the remains...

So in the closet they'll remain... next to all the other used memories... I sit on the couch with the kitten curled up beside me, and I KNOW this is better... no more second guessing my every decision... no more rushing home to make sure everything was up to his expectations... no more questioning my own worth... Almost peaceful around here since he left... except for the kitten tearing across the room like a bat out of hell, but I wouldn't have it any other way...

What makes someone want to change another person so much... want to abolish those things that make them who they are, the parts of their personality that prove their humanity and fallability... I don't understand it...

Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me? Something in my very core that needs to be altered so desperately? I kinda like to think I'm a pretty damn cool person... all my quirks just set me apart...

I suppose it doesn't matter... what's past is past... and even though I know hindsight is 20/20, this is the best outcome... happiness would have been a distant memory had things stayed the same...

Posted at 8/9/2004 2:41:56 pm by Myrth
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Some things seem so very far away... just beyond my reach... just beyond the stretch of my imagination... writing it out doesn't help make any more sense of it...

tick tock... tick tock...

Time is slipping past, moments I can never recover... and I still can't force myself to act with the passion and drive I feel is desirable... necessary...

Monday morning is coming fast, erasing the good spirits of the weekend... running over the highs... Sunday evening blues...

tick tock... tick tock...

Fall is coming on again, the twilight of the year... another one past, no obvious forward motion...

Do some things never change?

Posted at 8/8/2004 11:36:43 pm by Myrth
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An Unfair End

   Unfair is a kind way to put it... and I have no right to any anger or sadness I feel. My tears are unjustified and may seem trite to those looking on. My claim to grief is unfounded at best, the basis being no more than a passing friendship and a great deal of respect. There are others who lost more, a son and brother, a close friend. I feel guilty about crying, but watching the news is breaking my heart. Looking at the pictures it's best you didn't survive, you would no longer have been you. 
   What made it happen? The pain? Something else?

   I don't think I can sit through the news report one more time. You're an afterthought to them, the also-ran. So what if he was a trooper? Does that make you less valuable? Less missed?

   I keep coming back to the unreal feel of it all. I know it's you, but it just can't be... the picture doesn't lie, but it has to. It's just not right that you would leave just as you were starting to get things back in order... and having spent the last few months in such pain?? Where is the justice in that?

   There is no justice in it, no fairness, no method to the madness.
   And tomorrow I'll still be here, tears coming freely, knowing that no one will understand or sympathize. But in the end who can say what touches our souls, or who makes an impact on our lives?

Posted at 4/8/2004 2:29:33 am by Myrth
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Glad To Be Unhappy

Long week... amazing what sleepless nights will do to your thoughts... I sometimes wonder what it is that really drives my days... drives my nights... waking up every hour, glancing at the clock. Am I looking for something? Waiting for something to happen?... is there something I'm missing? In the morning everything seems such a blur... leaving my house before dawn for work, the car frosted over, everything is almost surreal... the 10 minute drive seems to take so much longer... the sleepwalking through life is over... I've woken up and taken control of the helm of my days, but still everything seems a bit out of control... It takes a bit of courage to admit that the carefully structured form of my life isn't as neat as it appears, that the smiles hide so much more... I can see the end though... if only I could get a decent night's sleep, I think there might be sunshine in the morning...

Posted at 1/22/2004 10:45:59 pm by Myrth
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Meloncholy in A Minor

No longer thinking straight... endless nights tossing and turning... I'm no longer myself... I no longer know who I am. Grasping at every passing hope... watching them slip through the fingers... knowing that no matter what happens, when I wake in the morning, I will still be me... knowing... yet never being sure. No excuse for these thoughts, no real reason... but my days are blurring together... morning, noon, and night, fuzzing together in a haze. No end, no beginning... a forever loop...

Posted at 11/17/2003 1:35:55 am by Myrth
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